You Picked Up the Phone on the Seventeenth Ring
by Nancy Brown
Summary: Jack and Ianto are stranded far from home and must huddle for warmth while they try to find a way back.


Title: You Picked Up the Phone on the Seventeenth Ring  
>Characters: JackIanto  
>Warnings: dodgy descriptions of hypothermia totally used as an excuse for sex<br>Summary: Jack and Ianto are stranded far from home.  
>AN: Written for the Torchwood Cliche Fest. tropes: stranded in isolated place, huddling to keep warm, lost and have to communicate with home in unusual way, taken by the Rift (sort of)<p>

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><p>Under normal circumstances, being alone with Jack whilst both of them were naked would signify a pleasant end to a work day, even if Jack did keep changing the rules to Naked Hide and Seek to suit his whims. On the other hand, "Torchwood" and "normal" were so distantly related concepts that whole branches of the literary family tree snarled between them in verbal feuds.<p>

As he pictured this strange image, Ianto was dully aware that he was freezing to death, and his brain was shutting down.

His teeth chattered too much to make out Jack's name. Nevertheless, moments later he felt a warmer presence at his back, and - blessings! - a thick length of fabric stretched across them both.

"I told you I'd find something," Jack mouthed into his ear. "These outposts have survival gear."

Ianto merely nodded, shivering as his own body greedily soaked up Jack's heat under the thick blanket. Jack ... was warm. He turned his head. "What did you do?"

Jack wouldn't meet his eyes. "I was freezing to death anyway. This was faster, and I start out with a factory reset when I revive. Easier to keep you warm."

"Jesus. Don't do that again." Jack was often a casual suicide when the need arose, but it horrified Ianto every time. "And thank you."

Jack's arms gathered him closer. Usually in this position, they'd be scrabbling for each other by now, clawing at skin for more contact, mouths and teeth sucking for purchase. At the moment, Ianto's scrotum was trying to climb inside his own body for heat.

Fucking automated transmat beams, fucking alien lakes soaking their clothes through with something Jack said might be caustic but definitely would be deadly if they kept the wet fabric on in this absurd cold on this fucking planetoid.

"Once you're a little warmer, I'll go get more supplies. There's food and more blankets. I might be able to light one of the heaters if I take another crack at it."

"What are you leaving out?" Because there was clearly something.

Jack shifted. His skin was burning hot against Ianto's chill, now that the circulation and sensations were returning. "There's a radio. Well, not a radio exactly. I've seen communicators like this before, but this is a really old model, and I don't know if it's got power, or how to work it even if it does. If I can make it work, all we have to do is call Gwen and have her reverse the transmat. If I can't, we might be stuck here for awhile."

"Well, we were both due some holiday time," Ianto said, and Jack laughed.

"Yeah, but I was hoping we'd nip away for a weekend in Spain or something."

Ianto didn't ask if Jack was serious. They were very likely to die soon, or at least Ianto was, and he could spare some fantasy time pretending Jack meant every word.

"We should take an inventory," Ianto said, and Jack kissed his cheek. Then he stood and rewrapped the blanket around Ianto.

"If you're ready to make a list, you're better. I'll bring the other stuff in here."

The outpost stood at the edge of the alien lake. Jack said mineral miners came here during the warm periods when the planetoid came within the range of both twin suns it orbited, currently two pinpricks high in the shadowy sky. The main room contained crates made of some unfamiliar polymer, as well as what Jack said would be the cooking, living, and working area. The smaller room, in which Ianto huddled, held bunks along two walls for the miners to rest during their several-day shifts. The miners were apparently twice the size of humans, and had five arms. The bunk was large, and not very comfortable, but it was better than the floor.

Jack dragged three more blankets, one wrapped around his body awkwardly. He dropped a packet in Ianto's lap. "Try this. Eating will help you warm up more." With numb fingers, Ianto unwrapped the packet and took a tentative bite of the crisp wafers he found. A bit salty, he was reminded of the lemon biscuits his aunt used to bake, and he gobbled three of them in one bite.

"Careful," Jack said. "It's not poisonous, but your stomach is going to process it as something new."

"Right."

Jack swiped some wafers of his own, taking the opportunity to push his fingers closer to Ianto's groin as he reached into the packet.

Ianto went through the rest of their rations while Jack worried with the heater on the wall. "Okay, the good news is, this is either going to light or explode."

"How is an explosion good news?"

"It's not, really. You'll be exploded and I'll have one less heater in the place." He flicked a switch. Ianto couldn't help but hold his breath until a blue flame - weirdly familiar in this isolated place - sputtered to life and caught up the side of the wall heater in welcome light and heat.

Ianto dropped the food packets and hurried towards the heater, rubbing his hands together. "If we lay our clothes out on the first near bunk, they ought to dry faster."

Jack leaned against the other bunk, knee bent, displaying himself happily. "I was hoping we'd be able to run around naked the whole time."

"You would."

With their clothes set up, and the sleeping area beginning to reach a tolerable if not comfortable temperature, Jack tried with less success to light the heater in the outer room. After an hour of shivering, he admitted defeat. "I think the fuel line must be busted, and I don't want to risk taking it apart in case I put it back together wrong and we still blow up."

They had heat in the smaller room, at least. However, the radio turned out to be a complete loss. Jack and Ianto took turns examining it from every angle, but neither could locate a power supply or a means to activate it.

"We'll try again in the morning," said Jack, rather than, "We're probably stranded here until the miners come back if this outpost hasn't been abandoned entirely." That was another thing: Ianto had no way of telling how long it had been since the last group of aliens used this facility. Every dusty, barren detail from the broken heater to the stale flavour of the rations whispered the miners were not returning.

They settled in the other bunk close to the heater across from their clothing. The large, hard beds were easy for two humans to use, provided they spared one of their blankets as a sheet. Ianto was used to pressing his cold toes against Jack's warm ones, so this was familiar, as was the gentle puff of Jack's breath against him as they tried to get comfortable.

"How long have we been gone?"

"A few hours. Gwen will either still be looking for us, or she's assumed we were disintegrated and has already seized control in my absence. I'm still up for that wrestling for power thing when we get back. Want in?"

Ianto smiled; it wouldn't be Jack without the inappropriate innuendo. "I'd rather poison you both and take command myself. I could do the flouncing around in fancy dress and flirting with everything that moves, though I'm rubbish at bellowing orders. I'll need to practise."

Jack snorted and kissed him sweetly. "You practise. When I wake up from the poisoning, you can keep me around to have sex with you and make the coffee."

"Your coffee's terrible. I'll have to recruit an attractive secretary to make the coffee and sleep with me."

"That's a lot of paperwork to file. Trust me, after the first two or three secretaries have cited you for harassment, you're gonna be recruiting based on the coffee-making skills alone."

"You're right. And so my plan falls to ruins."

Outside their warm little nook under the covers, Ianto listened to the wind blowing against the sides of the building, listened to the crackle and snap of the blue flames. He never let himself dream about holidays away from Torchwood, because there never was time. Gwen couldn't cover everything on her own, and some time ago Ianto had accepted the fact that he had no interest in going off somewhere without Jack. A forced holiday was something else. Something probably deadly, true.

His mild reverie was interrupted by a very familiar pressure against his hip. "Don't tell me you're turned on by the thought of another harassment suit."

"No, just the thought of you taking charge and giving me orders for a change." Jack moved his groin slowly against Ianto, breath catching. "You'd be all, 'Go file that document, then call the Prime Minister.'"

"Never try to imitate my accent again. Please. I think my ears just tried to crawl off my head."

"It's not my fault you have a sexy voice."

Ironic, since Ianto had often privately considered Jack's own voice an unlicensed weapon. Fortunately, Ianto knew how to retaliate. In Welsh, he growled, "You really are an arse sometimes, did you know?"

This had the desired effect. Jack made a deep sound in his throat and licked a stripe up Ianto's neck, pausing midway to nibble enticingly on the flesh. Ianto bent in for a kiss, delighting in Jack's eager reply. They were stranded on an ice planet in another solar system with stale biscuits, no clothes, and a defunct radio. All that meant right now was no interruptions from the Rift. It'd be like camping out in a cabin somewhere, were Ianto not permanently dead-set against camping ever again. May as well make the most of it.

Ianto rolled so he was properly facing Jack, bringing mouths, hands, and cocks together in easy glides. Jack took his hand, reaching their arms up together, and pattered kisses from his elbow down to the crook of his arm. Ianto brought up his own knee carefully to massage the skin between Jack's thighs, and was rewarded with Jack grinding against him.

Ianto said, "The miners didn't happen to leave a supply of lube, did they?"

Jack's low chuckle against his ear sent sinful shivers down his body, and he wasn't cold, not a bit, not with Jack's hot hands roaming over his chest, tweaking one nipple. "They did not. I could tell you stories about this species. The fifth hand is used for mating. They keep it covered when they work, so they don't injure it, but as soon as work is done," Jack's hand dropped down and took them both together in his grip, "it's one hell of a hand job."

He stroked them together with long, loose movements. Ianto slid his own hand behind Jack, grabbing a nice, tight handful of backside. "So you're saying I can't do this." He pushed the tip of one finger to the warm pucker of Jack's hole, circling as Jack wriggled, his hand speeding up.

"You like lists." He was panting, trying not to show it. "As long as we're stuck here, we can see how many different things we can do to each other without lube. Number one," he emphasised with a twist of his wrist, "a pleasant mutual wank."

"It's only mutual if I'm helping." Ianto crossed his arms behind his head and leaned back in contentment. "But you seem to have the matter well in hand yourself. Continue."

He'd pushed a touch too hard. Jack let go. "Number two, I get myself off, you sleep in the wet spot."

"That's hardly doing something to each other."

Jack's reply was a grunt, and the swift jerking of his elbow. He twitched the blankets off them both, letting in cool air from the room despite the nearby heater. "Give me that," Ianto said, and took the covers for himself. Jack closed his eyes, throwing his head back in a pose Ianto loved watching.

A light caught Ianto's eyes.

"Fuck," Jack said, hips thrashing. Ianto placed a hand almost absently between Jack's legs, stroking his balls. His eyes stayed on the faintly pulsating blue light. Jack groaned his release. The radio lit up.

Ianto scooted out of bed, his own erection bobbing and his feet freezing as he stepped on the icy floor. "Jack!"

"Huh? What?" Jack blinked, his chest spattered with come.

"I think it's working." Ianto looked over the device. As he examined it, the light faded. "Damn. It had a power surge. I wonder if the battery connector is just loose." He tried shaking it.

Jack was silent for a long moment. "I don't think that's the issue. Get back here. It's cold."

"You were the one who took off the blanket."

"Pardon me for not wanting to mess up our clean covers." He sat up, reached over to the other bunk, and grabbed a sock to clean off his chest.

"That had better be your sock," Ianto said, getting back into the bunk. Jack rejoined him and they nestled together again.

"Okay, I have a theory," said Jack. "The miners? Their species is telepathic. I'll bet you five quid the radio operates with telepathy. That's why I couldn't turn it on."

Cold that had nothing to do with the room moved into Ianto. "You and I aren't telepathic. We're stuck."

"Maybe, maybe not. This is the kind of radio that would operate with emotional energy. When the miners got homesick, or tired, they'd want to go home, and it would work."

"I want to go home."

"So do I, but we think differently than their species. The same kind of brainwaves they'd use to call for home ... " Jack tapered off, and placed a slightly chilly hand on Ianto's flagging erection.

"You're joking."

"You saw the light, not me. We'll have to charge the battery. Then we just make the call." He grinned widely, his perfect teeth managing to shine even in this low light, the bastard. "Number three, oral skills."

That was the only warning Ianto had before Jack ducked under the covers and took him deep in his mouth. Hot, wet suction reawakened his interest. His hands went automatically to grasp Jack's hair, nudge him as he bobbed and slurped. Jack pulled off, nuzzling happily at the root, taking delicate licks.

"I love the way you taste." His voice, muffled by the blankets, vibrated against Ianto's skin.

"Remind me to dip it in chocolate."

"No need." Jack drew him in again, sucking and humming. Ianto felt the delightful coil of pleasure growing in his balls. He lolled his head, saw the faint light pulse again. Jack continued to lick and suck, fingers playing with the soft skin of his sac, bringing him to the edge and then slowly holding off. The light kept winking.

Ianto squirmed, pushing himself deeper into Jack's mouth, but Jack wouldn't acquiesce. He stopped to say, "A slow burn will prime the battery better."

Fuck slow. Ianto wanted to get off. "What's number four?"

Jack's chuckle was torture. "Patience."

"If you don't finish me soon, I'm doing it myself."

"Spoilsport." Jack climbed up his body, kissing the whole way. His own dick hadn't reawakened all the way, not yet, and dragged against Ianto's cock salaciously.

Ianto pressed Jack's shoulders, pushing him off and rolling over so they were facing each other. "Hold still." He gave himself a few quick pumps with his hand, then slid his cock between Jack's legs. Jack's spit didn't provide the best lubrication as Ianto rocked himself between Jack's tightly-clamped thighs, but it wasn't bad by any means.

"Hey, you moved ahead to number six."

"But who's counting?" Ianto ground out, thrusting faster. There. There was the friction and the slide he needed. "Fuck." Somehow Jack pressed his legs even more tightly together. Ianto came with a curse, pleasure shooting through him, and leaving a sticky mess everywhere. He kissed Jack then, tired and happy, and Jack smiled through the kisses.

"You know you're using _your_ sock this time, right?"

"Right."

He flopped over to check the light. The blue remained faint but hadn't gone out. "Promise me you won't tell Gwen how we got the radio to work."

"I refuse to make that promise."

"Arse."

"Speaking of arses, we do need to get that battery primed, and I am ready and willing to make that sacrifice." He dragged Ianto's hand onto his cock, heedless of the mess between his own thighs. "Number four was double oral, by the way, though it's far better known by a different number. Number five is rubbing off on each other without using our hands."

"An oldie but a goodie," Ianto agreed, stroking Jack contentedly. "How far through the list should we go before we have enough power to call home?"

Jack purred into Ianto's shoulder. "Our clothes aren't dry, and we've got plenty of food. Let's not set a goal."

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><p>Gwen was glad to get her two friends home safely from their accidental off-world trip. It was the oddest thing, though; for years after, she noticed that both Jack and Ianto smiled inappropriately, and sometimes even burst out laughing, whenever the number seventeen was mentioned. And no matter how many times she asked, they never did tell her why. <p>

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><p>The End<p>

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><p>As always, my three favourite words are: "I liked this."<p> 


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